‘Box cutter’ conspiracy nuts and their wild theories: a gem of 9/11 satire

I came across this wickedly dry bit of conspiracy analysis from 2003 recently and really enjoyed it. Since the author offered it freely for reproduction (with credit given) I thought it would be worth including in this blog. Because of its length, I’ve just included a healthy excerpt, but you can find the original at this URL: http://www.indybay.org/newsitems/2003/02/08/15715661.php. Sadly, the author passed away from cancer earlier this year. He was just 51.

His piece goes to show that when the government and media offer an explanation of an event like 9/11, their story is never looked at as a theory. But it’s worth turning the tables occasionally – Craig McKee (http://truthandshadows.wordpress.com)

Debunking conspiracy theorists: Paranoid fantasies about Sept. 11 distract from the real issues

By Gerard Holmgren (Copyright Gerard Holmgren, Jan. 9, 2003)

Astute observers of history are aware that for every notable event there will usually be at least one, often several wild conspiracy theories which spring up around it….So it’s hardly surprising that the events of Sept 11 2001 have spawned their fair share of these ludicrous fairy tales. And as always, there is – sadly – a small but gullible percentage of the population eager to lap up these tall tales, regardless of facts or rational analysis.

One of the wilder stories circulating about Sept 11, and one that has attracted something of a cult following amongst conspiracy buffs is that it was carried out by 19 fanatical Arab hijackers, masterminded by an evil genius named Osama bin Laden, with no apparent motivation other than that they “hate our freedoms.”

Never a group of people to be bothered by facts, the perpetrators of this cartoon fantasy have constructed an elaborately woven web of delusions and unsubstantiated hearsay in order to promote this garbage across the internet and the media to the extent that a number of otherwise rational people have actually fallen under its spell.

Normally I don’t even bother debunking this kind of junk, but the effect that this paranoid myth is beginning to have requires a little rational analysis, in order to consign it to the same rubbish bin as all such silly conspiracy theories.
These crackpots even contend that the extremist Bush regime was caught unawares by the attacks, had no hand in organizing them, and actually would have stopped them if it had been able. Blindly ignoring the stand down of the US air-force, the insider trading on airline stocks – linked to the CIA, the complicit behaviour of Bush on the morning of the attacks, the controlled demolition of the WTC, the firing of a missile into the Pentagon and a host of other documented proofs that the Bush regime was behind the attacks, the conspiracy theorists stick doggedly to a silly story about 19 Arab hijackers somehow managing to commandeer 4 planes simultaneously and fly them around US airspace for nearly 2 hours, crashing them into important buildings, without the US intelligence services having any idea that it was coming, and without the Air Force knowing what to do….According to the practitioners of the fruit loop, 19 Arabs took over the 4 planes by subduing the passengers and crew through the use of guns, knives, box cutters and gas, and then used electronic guidance systems which they had smuggled on board to fly the planes to their targets.

The suspension of disbelief required for this outrageous concoction is only for the hard core conspiracy theorist. For a start, they conveniently skip over the awkward fact that there weren’t any Arabs on the planes. If they were, one must speculate that they somehow got on board without being filmed by any of the security cameras and without being registered on the passenger lists. But the curly question of how they are supposed to have got on board is all too mundane for the exciting world of the conspiracy theorist. With vague mumblings that they must have been using false ID (but never specifying which IDs they are alleged to have used, or how these were traced to their real identities), they quickly bypass this problem, to relate exciting and sinister tales about how some of the fictitious fiends were actually searched before boarding because they looked suspicious. However, as inevitably happens with any web of lies, this simply paints them into an even more difficult corner. How are they supposed to have got on board with all that stuff if they were searched? And if they used gas in a confined space, they would have been affected themselves unless they also had masks in their luggage.
“Excuse me sir, why do you have a box cutter, a gun, a container of gas, a gas mask and an electronic guidance unit in your luggage?”
“A present for your grandmother? Very well sir, on you get.”
“Very strange,” thinks the security officer. “That’s the fourth Arabic man without an Arabic name who just got on board with a knife, gun or box cutter and gas mask. And why does that security camera keep flicking off every time one of these characters shows up? Must be one of those days I guess…”

Asking any of these basic questions to a conspiracy theorist is likely to cause a sudden leap to the claim that we know that they were on board because they left a credit card trail for the tickets they had purchased and cars they had rented. So if they used credit cards that identified them, how does that reconcile with the claim that they used false IDs to get on to the plane? But by this time, the fruit loop is in full swing, as the conspiracy theorist tries to stay one jump ahead of this annoying and awkward rational analysis. They will allege that the hijackers’ passports were found at the crash scenes. “So there!” they exalt triumphantly, their fanatical faces lighting up with that deranged look of one who has just a revelation of questionable sanity.

Hmm? So they got on board with false IDs but took their real passports with them? However, by this time the fruit loop has been completely circumnavigated, and the conspiracy theorist exclaims impatiently, “Who said anything about false IDs? We know what seats they were sitting in! Their presence is well documented!” And so the whole loop starts again. “Well, why aren’t they on the passenger lists?”
“You numbskull! They assumed the identities of other passengers!” And so on…

Finally, out of sheer fascination with this circular method of creative delusion , the rational sceptic will allow them to get away with this loop, in order to move on to the next question, and see what further delights await us in the unravelling of this marvellously stupid story.

“Uh, how come their passports survived fiery crashes that completely incinerated the planes and all the passengers?” The answer of course is that it’s just one of those strange co-incidences, those little quirks of fate that do happen from time to time. You know, like the same person winning the lottery four weeks in a row. The odds are astronomical, but these things do happen…

Thanks for digging that up!

Now that was fuh...neee! It was way too short.

Can't wait for the movie

I've been entertaining the idea that what we need is some more humor like this. How to take on Jon Stewart and his audience? Do him one better.

Wouldn't it be great to create a movie showing the madcap capers of the conspirators, the real ones, as they are inventing the cover story and working through their own last minute crises. This could be one of the subplots, interwoven with scenes and perspectives showing what is really going on. Compartmentalization has its lighter moments, with the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing, probably stumbling all over itself. They screwed up too, as we know, otherwise we probably wouldn't be here now. "They'll never look at the dust. Are you kidding?"

Excellent find!

This article is worth reading in its entirety. Amazing that it was written prior to the Iraq invasion. The satirical nature drives home many well-accepted/unquestioned fallacies of 911. (from main article: "Their practical training had allegedly been limited to Cessnas and flight simulators... If they are supposed to have done their flight training with these tools, which would be available just about anywhere in the world, its not clear why they would have decided to risk blowing their cover to US intelligence services by doing the training in Florida, rather than somewhere in the Middle East")

This would be worth re-printing and distributing to the general public. (though it may be worth touching up and adding to it)

I can imagine that future generations will look upon 911 in a similar light, and they will view our generation's collective stupidity and naive acceptance that "Bin Laden did 911" as being comparable to other absurd historical beliefs such as "The world is flat", "Lead can turn into gold", "Leeches can cure cancer", and "She' a witch!"

Careful what we suggest is the truth

It is a great story, great for tearing down the official conspiracy theory.

However, some parts that suggest what supposedly really did happen should, at the very least, be still open to question. I am referring particularly to the idea that a missile hit the Pentagon. Also, there is the repeated the suspicion that the planes could not have exploded into mostly small pieces by the collisions at the Pentagon and WTC towers. In the case of the WTC impacts, the argument that extra explosives must have been loaded on the plane is not proved anywhere that I know of, so we should avoid suggesting it is a known fact.

quite right Liberte

It is right to be careful. Propaganda is typically over 90% true and bit more thrown in which gets under the radar. Humour is great and it may be safe enough here with people who know what is not correct but this sort of material should not be posted in public places unless accompanied by explanation of its errors. .

Gerard Holmgren...

Was one of the originators of the idea that the planes we saw hit the towers were holograms.


Awful. More no planer/missle junk from Craig Mckee. It's either that or he's writing/posting articles about witness's being "plants" or giving fake interviews. At least he is consistently in one direction.