The Onion :Government Admits It Was Only Behind Destruction Of North Tower

From The Onion
Jan 6, 2015

WASHINGTON—Saying they felt a duty to reveal what truly transpired on September 11, 2001, numerous high-ranking federal officials announced publicly Tuesday that the United States government was responsible for destroying just the North Tower of the World Trade Center.

Representatives from the Central Intelligence Agency, National Security Agency, and half a dozen other government bureaus revealed at a morning press conference that they were responsible for the development, funding, and execution of a plan to take down 1 World Trade Center in New York’s Financial District. Describing their mission as an unqualified success, officials noted that the completion of their objective was followed 17 minutes later by a separate suicide attack on 2 World Trade Center by al-Qaeda operatives piloting a hijacked airliner.

“The American people deserve to know that, of the two towers that were brought down in Lower Manhattan on 9/11, only one was the target of the federal government,” said CIA spokesman Tom McLennan, emphasizing that their carefully guarded plot was a wholly independent event planned without any foreknowledge of the similar act of terrorism designed by al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden for the same day. “While we freely admit our culpability in striking the first building, let us be clear that we had no hand in destroying the other tower. In fact, that was just as shocking and devastating to us as it was to all American citizens.”

“Aside from our controlled implosion of Tower No. 1, we can assure the public that the September 11 attacks were carried out by Islamic radicals as part of their war against the West,” McLennan added.

According to recently declassified intelligence briefings and memos, FBI agents began making nighttime deliveries of thousands of pounds of RDX explosives to the World Trade Center in January 2001 as part of the first phase of what government officials dubbed Operation North Tower. Detailed schematics confirm that the charges were placed within Tower No. 1 according to an Army Corps of Engineers demolition plan designed to take down the 1,368-foot-tall skyscraper without damaging any of the surrounding structures, including the adjacent Tower No. 2.

In what they described as the most logical cover for their plan to bring down one of the Twin Towers, government officials then outlined their process of guiding a commercial airliner into the building via remote control. Military leaders assured American citizens that while they, in fact, had deployed a black-ops team to Boston’s Logan Airport the night of September 10, 2001 to plant the RC transponder on a single West Coast-bound flight, the aircraft that crashed into 2 World Trade Center the next morning was flown solely by jihadists about whom they had no prior knowledge.

The nation’s leaders also reiterated throughout the briefing that the Mossad agents who initially proposed the plan to the U.S. did not have any involvement in the attack on the South Tower either.

“By ordering NORAD to deactivate the nation’s air defenses on 9/11 we succeeded in clearing a path to Manhattan for our plane, but this apparently created a window of opportunity for five al-Qaeda operatives who, ostensibly, departed on another aircraft just a few minutes after our plane did,” said NSA officer Will Mason, adding that FAA leaders were instructed to delay reporting the radio-controlled airliner’s deviations from its flight path that morning, but immediately began panicking once they noticed the similar behavior of a second aircraft. “No one had any idea who was controlling that other plane. We were celebrating quite a bit after our successful strike, but when the second one hit it pretty much silenced the entire Pentagon Command Center.”

“Obviously, had we been aware that the South Tower was going to be hit, we would have given all Jewish workers advance notice to stay out of that building as well,” he added.

Officials then explained how, on that Tuesday morning, President George W. Bush was quietly informed by an aide during an elementary school appearance that the plan had been carried out with precision, only to be notified just minutes later that the United States was under attack.

“The scripts we had given every major news anchor were pretty much useless after that second impact,” said CIA agent Donald Macy, noting that the highly orchestrated misinformation campaign they had crafted over 10 months only made sense within the original context of one building being targeted. “After that point, any confusion was beyond our doing.”

“Overall, I would say the majority of the terror experienced by the nation that day was caused by somebody other than the U.S. government,” he continued. “We were only behind about half of that.”

Admitting that there were several major unexpected turns that day, those behind the government’s attack maintained that, regardless of the coincidence, they still achieved the long-term results they ultimately wanted.,37699/

La La

CIA 'special' agent Donald Macy, while stating to the Onion's-razor [redacted] journalist, that "the highly orchestrated misinformation campaign made completely useless after the second tower was hit," didn't mention that that was only PART of his deep frustration after the freakish events of that day.
He later admitted to [redacted] of the [redacted] the operation 'piggy-backing' on their World Trade ONE demolition; was not 'jihaddist hi-jackers' at-all, but [REDACTED] - a 'High value network of [REDACTED] insiders, some of whom were seen [REDACTED] on the top of a [redacted] earlier in the day pretending to be [redacted].
A "totally rogue operation taking everyone by surprise."
Mr. Macy told [redacted] that he only 'made that up about Islamic hi-jackers' because he wanted the Onion to [redacted[]Redacted[]Redacted], such reputation for [redacted[]Redacted] that he 'had to be quick off-the-cuff' and deliver "that piece of [REDACTED]" just to get rid of the journalist. He told [Redacted] that he 'picked on Islamists because they are easiest for everyone to hate'. 'I just figured.. who else could we chain naked to ceilings and let spiders run on..y' on bein' dumb enough for me not to like !"
He later called the onions investigative work 'pretty much fucked' after the third high rise, a mysterious - until then unknown - 81 columned 47 storied steel framed high-rise suddenly dropped at Free Fall, into its own footprint, in Macy's own words "just like a demolition...y'know; as if someone had pre-planted explosives in the building and set em off...BoomBoomBoomBoomBoom.....completely unknown to any one atall !"

"Now that WAS a surprise," he said. "None of us know'd where dat come from....."

Nice to see

Recalling how The Onion has previously joined in with the cackling derision heaped upon this movement (at least in their print version, as opposed to their videos), this piece kind of blows me away. Wow.

Christmas 2012 - The Onion

This post from The Onion in 2012 makes me think their editors smell a rat, it being more informative than funny:,30705/