Screw Loose Change announces: "Screw government transparency! Long live secrecy!"
Screw Loose Change, a blog devoted to adoring the 9/11 Commission Report, has officially declared its broader goal. "Screw government transparency," says Pat. "Somebody has to rail against those 9/11 Twoofers, who want a new investigation of 9/11. New investigation? What for, when you have the bipartisan 9/11 Commission Report?"
In a moment of unusual clarity, SLC then rambled for hours about how Bush waited 440 days before allowing anyone to investigate 9/11 because he was preoccupied with the War on Terror, and how threatening Tom Daschle not to investigate was just Bush and Cheney's way of playing a frat boy prank on Tommie. "They're just bullies being bullies," Pat explained. "Yeah, defying the public's desire to investigate the worst terrorist attack in the history of America is their way of snapping a towel in the locker room," concurred James.
Naming Henry Kissinger the executive director of the Commission was another prank, James calmly explained. "I mean, Bush is a crazy fascist, but he's not that crazy."
Sure, Pat admitted, Kissinger's replacement, Philip Zelikow, was a White House insider extraordinaire. "But what were they to do, honor the necessary transparency of an elected government and seek a truly independent investigation?"
Adding Lee Hamilton, who famously managed the Iran-Contra affair for Bush Sr, just makes sense. "He's got experience with this sort of thing," noted James. The chair of the commission, Thomas Kean, can be trusted, says Pat, because "he's up to his eyeballs in corporate sponsorship, and people with corporate sponsorship are trustworthy. That's why they get sponsored."
The initial allotment of 3 million to the Commission was a sign of Bush's commitment to small government, says James. "Next thing you know, we'll be spending millions to investigate every worst terrorist attack ever. That's just wasteful."
As for the massive conflcits of interest for every member of the Commission, Pat says that's to be expected because "important people tend to be rich as well."
And sure, says James, some of the 9/11 victims' families protested the effectiveness of the commission, but you can't please everyone all the time.
And yes, admits Pat, intelligence agencies did not cooperate with the Commission, and Commissioners complained about not having access to key intelligence reports, but elected governments can't do the bidding of the people if they're constantly declassifying vital intelligence reports. "I mean, what's more important: guarding the secrets of the shadow government, or having full transparency in the investigation of the most horrific terrorist attack in the history of the country? I think the answer is obvious," says James.
And, yes, Senator Max Cleland left the commission, calling it a "national scandal." But "what's he ever done for this country?" asks Pat.
When Bush and Cheney declined to testify to the Commission under oath, and declined to testify independently, and declined to testify with recording equipment in the room, they were once again acting the part of frat boy pranksters, explains Pat. "These guys are really funny once you get to know them. On the surface they're all proto-fascist swagger and secrecy, but underneath they're just a couple of Neanderthal psychopaths with a penchant for pranksterism."
The questioning of Rudy Giuliani was described by Kean himself as a "low point" for the Commission. "The commissioners don't see Rudy often," explained James, "so when they met they had some catching up to do. Too bad that precluded the asking of real questions. But what can you do when friends get together, you know?"
Later, Kean and Hamilton declared in their book, Without Precedent, that the Commission was "set up to fail". "Man," says Pat, "these guys will say anything to sell books."
"I think the people who don't trust the 9/11 Commission Report are just jealous that they aren't able to withhold national secrets from the public, in a style reminiscent of totalitarian governments throughout history," concluded Pat. "Jealousy is a green-eyed monster. I read that somewhere."