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Satire

Ho, Ho, Ho! 9/11 Was An Inside Job! ~ The Onion

By Santa Claus for The Onion
December 12, 2012 | ISSUE 48•50

Seasons greeting from your old friend Santa! My, my, Christmas is just two short weeks away, and everyone here at the North Pole can't wait to deliver presents to all you nice boys and girls this year. Yes, Jolly ol' St. Nicholas hopes you're all being as good as can be!

But today, Santa would like to tell you all about something very naughty, something very, very naughty indeed. Dear children, have you not heard? Why, 9/11 was an inside job! Oh, ho, ho, my, yes it was!

I mean, look at the facts, boys and girls! We already know the Bush administration was itching to go to war in Iraq, now, don't we? Yes, indeed we do, my darling ones! The Downing Street memo proves that beyond a shadow of a doubt. Then you look at the Presidential Daily Briefing of Aug. 6, 2001, the one headlined "Bin Laden Determined to Strike in U.S." Ignored! Why, children, they threw that briefing aside like used wrapping paper on Christmas morning, didn't they?

And remember, sweet little ones, Bin Laden never claimed responsibility for the attacks until 2004. Do you know how many years that is, boys and girls? Something was up the government's sleeve, and I'll let you in on a little secret: It wasn't sugar plums, oh, no! No, it was the ties between the bin Laden and Bush families. They've been under the mistletoe for decades, if you catch your old pal Kris Kringle's meaning! I've checked my list twice, and it seems Arbusto Energy, a Bush business, had financial connections to Salem bin Laden, half-brother of Osama. The CIA actually helped create and fund al-Qaeda right around the time Bush Senior was the agency’s director—ho, ho, ho, ol' H.W. stuffed their pockets as fat as a Christmas goose!

Now, as for the towers themselves: The type of steel they used melts at a temperature of about 2,700 degrees Fahrenheit, and as I'm sure all you smart little boys and girls know, jet fuel burns at 1,500 degrees, tops. My darlings, you'd need quite a Yule log to create that extra 1,200 degrees, wouldn't you? Oh, what a glorious sight it would be!

FBI Receives Credible Information About Terrorist Attack On Sept. 11, 2001 | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

September 11, 2012 | ISSUE 48•37 - The+Onion

FBI officials say terrorists may be plotting an attack on the World Trade Center building on Sept. 11, 2001.

WASHINGTON—Speaking at an impromptu press conference early this morning, FBI officials revealed the discovery of new information regarding a possible terrorist attack within the United States on Sept. 11, 2001.

“We recently received intelligence from credible sources leading us to believe that, 11 years ago today, a group of Islamic extremists plan to hijack two Boeing 767 commercial airliners and fly them directly into the north and south towers of the World Trade Center in New York City,” FBI director Robert Mueller told reporters. “Furthermore, we have it on very good authority that on the same day, insurgents are also plotting to commandeer two Boeing 757 aircrafts and crash them into the Pentagon and the U.S. Capitol building.”

2012 Presidential Winner Revealed (Satire)

*Editor's Note: Satire

Diebold Accidentally Leaks 2012 Election Results
Video News - 2:39 minutes http://youtu.be/AP2BjpIYJLw

‘Box cutter’ conspiracy nuts and their wild theories: a gem of 9/11 satire

I came across this wickedly dry bit of conspiracy analysis from 2003 recently and really enjoyed it. Since the author offered it freely for reproduction (with credit given) I thought it would be worth including in this blog. Because of its length, I’ve just included a healthy excerpt, but you can find the original at this URL: http://www.indybay.org/newsitems/2003/02/08/15715661.php. Sadly, the author passed away from cancer earlier this year. He was just 51.

His piece goes to show that when the government and media offer an explanation of an event like 9/11, their story is never looked at as a theory. But it’s worth turning the tables occasionally – Craig McKee (http://truthandshadows.wordpress.com)

Debunking conspiracy theorists: Paranoid fantasies about Sept. 11 distract from the real issues

By Gerard Holmgren (Copyright Gerard Holmgren, Jan. 9, 2003)

9/11 Untruth Petition

9/11 Untruth Petition

Revision to the 2004 Statement
(please distribute widely)

We Don't Want Real Answers About 9/11

On August 31, 2004, Zogby International, the official North American political polling agency for Reuters, released a poll that found nearly half (50.7%) of New York City residents and 59% of those in New York state believed US leaders did not have foreknowledge of impending 9/11 attacks or "consciously failed" to act. Of the New York City residents, 34% did not call for a new probe of unanswered questions by Congress or the New York Attorney General.

In connection with this news, and the mindless propaganda of outlets like Fox News, we hereby ridicule calls for immediate public attention to unanswered questions concerning 9/11, and we demand punishment for anyone who suggest that people within the Bush administration may indeed have deliberately allowed 9/11 to happen as pretexts for wars.

We do not in any way want truthful answers to questions such as:

1. Why were standard operating procedures for dealing with hijacked airliners not followed that day?

Star Wars Troofer

Nice writing in this collegehumor.com satire about Star Wars stormtroopers discussing their version of 911. Suggests cognitive dissonance and mind control. An intelligent and funny scene. Would embed the video if knew how, but here's the link: http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1920944

Lusitania Truthers Vindicated!

Lusitania Truthers Vindicated!

By Jonathan Cole P.E.

The Jan/Feb 09 Archaeology Magazine "Lusitania's Secret Cargo" appears to have vindicated the Lusitania “Truthers” .

The article states:

"The nearly century-old debate about whether the passenger liner Lusitania was transporting British war munitions when torpedoed by a German U-boat is over.

Physical evidence of just such a cargo has been recovered from the wreck, which rests 12 miles off the Irish coast in 300 ft. of murky turbulent water."

"Lusitania was sunk off County Cork on May 7, 1915. The attack killed 1,198 people, including 128 Americans and helped push the United States into WWI. Ever since the ship went down, there have been suspicions [by conspiracy theorists known as 'the Lusitania truthers' (JC.)] that the Lusitania was carrying live munitions. Under the rules of war, that would have made the liner a legitimate target, as the Germans maintained at the time."

9/11 Truthers Ignore Geopolitical Reality

http://georgewashington2.blogspot.com/2009/02/911-truthers-ignore-geopolitical.html

Those goofy 9/11 truthers are trying to say that because a raging inferno in China didn't cause the building to collapse - when it was roughly the same size as World Trade Center building 7 - that shows that building 7 was demolished. The truthers point to other raging infernos, also, where no collapse occurred.

And they point to numerous structural engineers, architects, scientists and demolition experts who believe building 7 was intentionally demolished.

But these think-they-are-smart whackos forget a basic fact . . . China is a communist country.

WTC 7 Solved: It Was Ivins!

http://georgewashington2.blogspot.com/2008/08/wtc-7-collapse-solved-it-was-ivins.html

Following is a leaked version of NIST's August 21st announcement as to the cause of the collapse of World Trade Center 7 on 9/11.

The government destroyed the steel from ground zero, because we believed it might not have been allowed as evidence at trial.

However, we did ship one steel beam to someone, who sold it to a junk yard in China for scrap metal, which melted it down to make Olympic trinkets, one of which was shipped back to us yesterday.

After testing that steel using very secret, super-advanced, but Incredibly Accurate new methods, we have determined that residue on the steel matches certain aspects of Ivins' desk in his lab at Fort Detrick (true, it also matches the desks from at least 16 different laboratories throughout the world, but our super-advanced testing has shown that we do not need to talk to anyone at those other labs).

Dancing With The New World Order

This video is a humorous stab at a real dilemma that voters have to face in this country. Namely, that when it comes to the biggest foreign policy decision that the U.S. will be making in the near future, all three major Presidential candidates offer only minor variances in rhetoric when it comes to Iran. The tacit implication being, they will act pre-emptively;

Senator Obama: "As president I will leave all options on the table for dealing with a threat from Iran including the military options."
http://www2.nysun.com/article/71813?page_no=1

Senator Clinton: "We cannot, we should not, we must not, permit Iran to build or acquire nuclear weapons, and in dealing with this threat, as I have said for a very long time, no option can be taken off the table."
http://www.hillaryclinton.com/news/speech/view/?id=1328

Senator McCain: "You know that old Beach Boys song, Bomb Iran? Heh--heh. Bomb, bomb, bomb-- heh--heh-- anyway..."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=E7tiEt_iguY

"New World Order" is probably too simple of a catch-phrase to reflect the genuine complexity of power relationships that have made the candidates' decisions for them. But I can understand "NufffRespect's" frustration at having no real choice, only options for different shades of malevelonce, with caveats that only exist for CYA and PR purposes.

All that said, I enjoyed this video, I hope that you do too, even if you think "NWO" is not a useful or accurate term ... sometimes satire is more effective than carefully massaged rhetoric.

Iraq: The First 5 Years

Jon looks back in time to see the Bush Administration's benchmarks for success after the start of the Iraq War.